This is a blog about lies, so lets start with the cold, hard truth.
I’m a liar.
Not about the stuff people consider to be ‘big’ things. I don’t bother lying about money, or my relationship. I don’t lie about the fact that I’m medicated, or that I go to therapy. I try and be an open book about problems, and to give honest feedback when people ask me for my opinion.
And I’m not talking about the little things either. I’m not talking about saying ‘I’m fine’ to an acquaintance when I’m really not, or ‘I don’t care’ when I’d actually really like some indian food. The lies I do tell though are more insidious than that, and most of them I tell to myself.
Lie #1 – “I don’t care.”
Wait, S.J., didn’t you just say that you didn’t… Yes, but in this case it’s all about context. When it comes to food, colors, my husbands wardrobe choices, none of that really matters in the long run. When it becomes a problem is when I lie to myself, trying to make life less stressful.
I don’t care if anyone ever reads my book. Of course I do.
I don’t care if I’m home alone. Don’t be ridiculous, you hate being alone.
I don’t care if I don’t get anything done today. Alright, I don’t even bother trying with that one anymore.
The danger with this lie is that I always want to believe it. Writing would be so much less frightening if I really, truly just did it for me. Life would be so much simpler if I really didn’t want to be around people, instead of simply being scared to be. I try to convince myself to be someone I’m not, because that way, failing won’t hurt so badly.
Lie # 2 – “If I just had…”
This is a lie that my husband loathes almost as much as I do. The idea that if I just had the right pen, the right program, the right method, that I could magically fix all of my problems with perfectionism and procrastination. This shows up in all sorts of places – I can’t finish cleaning if I start disinfecting an run out of disinfectant. I have to go get more before I can move on. I read tons of books on ‘how to write’ to avoid actually writing.
This one is so linked to my fear of failure that I’m pretty sure it is basically that jerks motto. The worst part it? Sometimes it works. Most of the time though? That junk just ends up sitting in a pile in my office.
Lie # 3 – ‘This will pass and I’ll do better tomorrow.’
This last one is the worst. This insidious monster crawls into my head on the worst of days, and then settles in for the long haul. I’ve been in a slump for the last few weeks; my anxiety has been high, my depression has been low, and my ability to leave the house is not to be trusted.
And so, so often I catch myself thinking ‘It’s okay. Tomorrow I’ll feel better, I’ll do better. It’ll pass.’
This. Is. A. Lie. This is a lie so many of us tell ourselves. Problems don’t fix themselves. Depression doesn’t just go away. Anxiety doesn’t just lessen. It takes work. You have to just get up. Get going. Do something.
So that’s what I’m doing right now. I’m writing this blog to just do something. My head is pounding, my neck is killing, I’m sad, frustrated, and so, so anxious, but I’m writing. Maybe it isn’t a story, or something more important. Maybe it’s just a blog that no one will ever read, and that’s fine (Dammit, there, I just did it again!). This was my first step today. My first little step to try and make sure tomorrow will be better, that I’ll be stronger, and that maybe I’ll be able to be a little more honest.
So what lies do you tell yourself? Little, big, or anything in between, let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear it.