Unfinished.

It’s amazing how easily your mind can get in the way of your life. You would think your own mind would want you to be successful, to reach the goals you set, but it seems that for many of us it does the absolutely opposite.

I’d like to say that life got busy – it did, but then, it always does. I’d like to make an excuse of having family emergencies, but thankfully that isn’t the case. I’d like to claim that I’ve been working on other things, being productive, just away from the digital space, but that’s not particularly true.

The truth, as painful as it is to admit, is that I’m lazy, and terrified of success. It is a nasty combination, and one that I will probably always struggle with. School always came easily to me; I’ve always been mildly artistic; I’ve always been relatively athletic. When life was laid out as a series of minor challenges it was simple for me to drift along without any real effort. I was lucky, blessed, and never learned how to really work. I married a man who is successful in his job; I moved to a country where I’m not allowed to work. Perhaps if I hadn’t, I’d have struggled more, and then learned the lessons I needed to push myself properly.

This, too, is not an excuse. I’m not blaming my teacher’s, or my parents, or my husband, or the government. It’s simply the way that it was and it, and it means that now, as at 28 year old woman, I’m struggling with the idea of success, and real work. I’m a typical millennial, expecting to be a special snowflake without being willing to work for it.

I allow tiny things to distract me. I allow myself to build up excuses until they are mammoth and I collapse beneath their weight in a pile of anxiety and depression.

I don’t like working alone. 
I don’t have the right equipment. 
I’m not good enough.
I need to wash the dishes.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. Excuse me again, while I get some cheese for my whine. It’s embarrassing, but true. Chances are, it isn’t going to change. At least it won’t change quickly.

On March 3, 2018 I’m returning to school. I’m attending RMCAD to get my BFA in Illustration. This will be one of the biggest challenges I’ve faced in my life. It will be easy to say ‘eh, I don’t need to write! I’m going to school. I’m allowed to slack off’. It would be easy to do the bare minimum required to pass my courses and to continue to drift by in life.

So, here, on a site with my name on it, where you’ve all seen my experiments and failures, I’m making a promise.

I am going to try.

This seems a little vague, and it is. It also seems like a cop out, but I like to think it isn’t. When I say ‘try’ I don’t mean just giving it a whirl and seeing how it goes. I mean that I am going try to do the best that I am capable of. I am going to put real effort into learning, more effort into failing (not that I plan to, but who doesn’t fail at things when they are pushing themselves to their limits?), and as much effort as I have left into writing.

I’m going to screw up. I’m going to make excuses. I’m going to have bad weeks. But I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and try again. I am allowed to fail. I am allowed to succeed. It’s okay; I am unfinished. My life in unfinished. As long as each time I fall off the rails, I’m willing to climb back on them, I feel like I’m heading in the right direction.

I don’t know if this rant will help anyone, but do let me know if it resonates. What are you working on? Where in your life, do you need to try?

 

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